A Not-So-Happy Birthday 

11.17.2022

Did you know that my birthday occurred the same day as the Taurus Full Moon Eclipse? 

As usual, the universe likes to remind me that being aware of the universal energy does not make me immune. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. My sensitivities are a blessing, but they can also be a challenge. And as much as I enjoyed my birthday, it was also a very emotional one. ⁠

If you were able to send your good wishes, thank you so much! I appreciate how much love I am receiving and how much you’re giving me all the time! I need it so much more than I even realize.⁠
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And even though I really appreciated all the birthday wishes, the day of, was a really difficult one. 

It’s been a rough couple of years and seeing people wish me a “happy” birthday was hard because I was not happy. I was sad, the saddest I’ve ever been on my birthday. I was sad for myself, missing my loved ones. I was sad for my partner, who did not expect to be with someone in long-term, deep grief. I was sad for my family’s life and the many unexpected tragic turns it’s taken. And I was sad for the world and the far too many injustices taking place as I write this.⁠
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So, I want to share my experience because this is a huge part of grief, and we don’t talk about death and grief in western society.
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Deep, painfully sad grief turned those beautiful birthday wishes into dark clouds of pressure. Grief told me that if I wasn’t happy on my birthday, then I was failing. And that meant that I was ungrateful for what I have and, therefore, I am not enough.⁠
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The grief spiral happens quickly! And this year, I needed that spiral. I needed to be sad and angry and cry. I needed to hear myself, my ego, and my suppressed emotion tell a story. To get it all out and stop holding onto every thought and feeling, no matter how petty or small. Grief helped teach me about honoring what needs to be honored.
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And bless my mom and my partner Chris for knowing to listen to me and hug me.⁠
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⁠The Silver Lining! Or The Spiral Lining! The spiral led to the true source of my sadness, to my grief, to missing my loved ones in spirit, not only missing my dad and my brother, but it was my first birthday without my granny.

She ALWAYS sang me 'Happy Birthday' on the phone, in her little crackly southern voice, my granny was a beautiful whistler but wasn’t much of a singer, but to me, her voice was so calming & beautiful. I will forever remember her voice when she read us nursery rhymes before bed. 

And every year that passes makes it more real that my dad isn’t here. 

We’ll never go see a movie for my birthday again. Usually, there’s always something good in the theater in November, and I grew up waiting in line to see Star Wars with him and my brother. 
My dad took me to see Titanic, many age-inappropriate comedies that we thoroughly enjoyed, and he is the single reason I love The Sound of Music. 

One year, we went to the Denver film festival, and I picked this foreign film about a young woman becoming a Kitsune, a Japanese fox with paranormal abilities and nine tails. And that blew his mind, but he said, “well, that was weird, but it’s your birthday.” He could be a reserved guy but was willing to try. There was nothing left unsaid between us, but as time goes by, I’m not sure I appreciated him as much as I could have. 

I am so grateful for everything that I have! But I am not where I thought I would be, and a lot of that is because of loss, grief, and things outside our control.   We still made time to celebrate a few days before; I am so thankful for the divine timing because I felt pretty dang good when we went to Avanti for gluten-free Arepas and Death & Co for luxurious cocktails!

A huge thanks to my Best B*tch, Lauryn, for making it so we could experience The ‘Theater of the Mind.’ If you get the opportunity to go, definitely check it out! It was so cool and eye-opening. I also have to thank my Best Witch, Ryan, for the Moon Light!

And on that fatefully emotional day, I still ate some delicious meals and got lots of hugs, but I cried a lot. I sat with the sadness and let myself cry. I wrote my dad a letter on his old wooden knife block and burned it under the Full Moon. And the next day, I felt a little better.

And through it all, I am still hopeful that 37 will be better than the last couple of years; it just has to be!